Lorenzo's War

H. Barse

Today while walking down the street I ran into Humphrey Orlando Barse. I literally ran into him, so when we met he said, "God Damn motherfucker!" Humphrey was looking especially grizzly, and drunk, but I laughed. And then he laughed. We started to talk and the most beautiful Swedish girl walked by. She broke my heart because she just kept on walking. But Humphrey said something to her in Swedish. I did not know Humphrey spoke Swedish. The beautiful girl promptly walked back, slapped Humphrey, and then proceed to kiss and love on Humphrey like I'd never seen a Swedish girl do before.

The message is Learn To Speak Swedish.

because the gurl looked like this...

BROKEN FINGERS AND A GIRL WHO LINGERS.

A GIRL WHO LINGERS IS THE EQUIVALENT TO A BROKEN FINGER. I do not know if you've ever broken a finger, but i'm sure that you've had a girl linger. Last night, I was in my room with a broken finger and a girl came in (i knew her) to ask me for a ride home because she had been drinking. I vehemently declined to take her home. She then offered me popcorn and SEX. I still declined. A mistake? I think not...because she looked like this. (Refer to image at right.) Chunky Monkey.

I Bought my first house yesterday...

and TODAY I found out it used to be a "meth house". I went across the street to meet my new neighbors, and then they told me that the previous owner was in prison for making and using meth. GREAAAT.

One way to tell if your house is a "meth house":

It smells like cat urine.

Don't be a second hand meth head. Make sure your home isn't a "meth home".

Smooth Jazz in 2010

Vouch to listen to more smooooooooth jazz. Verify that you will enjoy more readily the sweet sounds of a serenading saxophone. Swear to appreciate the steady beat of the drums. Endorse the booming booms of the Tuba. Go to bat for the wind instruments. And testify for the Quartets and Trios of this new year.

THE HUMPHREY ORLANDO QUARTET CASUAL

A short story

Last night, I accidentally elbowed a woman in the breast while I was at the market, and she started to cry. We were in the fruit and produce section, I was at the melon rack. I was trying to find a nice cantaloupe when she snuck up behind me. I had just found two perfect cantaloupes and was ready to move on to the banana rack, so I turned around to put the cantaloupes into my shopping cart when my elbow hit this woman right in her breast. The pain caused her to fall to her knees. With tears building in her eyes she screamed over and over again,“My boob! Ah! You hit me right in the tit! Oh my GOD why would you punch me in my fucking boob?”

“I didn’t punch you. I accidentally bumped into you with my elbow.” I said trying to calm this hysterical woman down, but she just screamed back at me, “NO! You punched me in my boob!”

I should also mention that when I collided with this woman I dropped my two cantaloupes, and they exploded leaving little slippery bits of melon everywhere.

And as she continues to scream at me I can see other shoppers start to stop and stare as they wonder what is going on at the melon rack. Eventually a small crowd started to gather, and all the while this woman was still crying, and screaming at me.

Unfortunately, as a kind woman ran up to comfort the crying lady she slipped on the bits of melon, fell to the ground, and she also began to cry. So, I was standing there trying to calm down not one, but two frantic, screaming, crying women, and the crowd still continues to grow. As I looked around I could see the faces of the other shoppers change from curiosity to disgust and anger, and all of it was directed towards me. They thought that I had intentionally injured these women. And then as if things could not get any worse the manager showed up. As he got to the scene he immediately began to yell at me and called me a “dick” several times, among other things. He was obnoxiously and overly angry at me. As the manager raged on the situation went from strange, to bizarre. Once he was done yelling he walked over to the women to try to calm them down, but did not realize how slippery melon was. Surprisingly, he slipped, fell, hit his head - he's out cold. So now I’m standing there with two crying women, and an unconscious manager, with a mob of angry shoppers surrounding me. I sensed that the situation was about to get ugly and I desperately needed to get out of there so I did the only thing I could. I told the women and the angry shoppers that I would go get help. Hastily, I sprinted to my car and drove home. I didn’t get any shopping done, and I’m most likely banned for life from that market, but at least I avoided getting lynched by that angry mob. I also heard that both women and the manager were alright.

There's an awful lot of accidental abuse and animosity directed towards melons in this short story, but I assure you that it is only a curtain of fallacy, for I love Melons.

Hey what's up Howard??

GROW A MUSTACHE, THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

If you're flying a plane in March, it would behoove you to have a mustache. That guy who landed a commercial jet in the Hudson RIVER had a mustache. Aviation in general requires a mustache, but especially in March.